The Things I Must Do Before I Die

For some reason, on my 31st Thanksgiving feast with my family, I want to write a list of things that I would like to accomplish before I check out of here and head for the great giant gig in the sky. In no particular order, I list them below:


_:Field a ground ball at Wrigley Field.

_:Sleep with at least one woman from all seven continents.

_:Wear a pair of big yellow rubber boots to Church on a Sunday.

_:Grab a woman while she's talking to a man, preferably her husband, and kiss her in front of him.

_:In the privacy of my own home, become an adult film star.

_:Failing that, just make a porn video.

_:Failing that, just have a porn video on my shelf.

_:Turn my basement into a bar, with working mechanical bull and disco balls.

_:Write a book about all of the failed relationships that I’ve been in so younger fellas won’t make the same mistakes as I.

_:Walk my daughter down the aisle.

X:Tell my dad that he's my hero.

_:Drink non-stop from sunrise one day, to sunset the next.

X:Failing that, drink from dawn to dusk, non-stop.

_:Go to Vegas and bet $1,000 on red 23, $1,000 on black 2 and lose to 00 (double zero).

_:Order a pizza, with everything, for delivery. Upon arrival, tell the delivery driver that I didn’t order it.

_:Have sex with the woman that I love on the top of the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier.

_:Failing that, have sex with her in the middle of the day in Grant Park.

_:Start “the wave” at Soldier Field while the Bears are beating the Packers 45-3.

_:Streak through a graduation ceremony at some high school where I know nobody.

X:Fight a guy that is twice my size.

_:Meet the guy that caused the auto accident that almost killed me and forgive him.

_:Failing that, meet him and give him the ass whoopin’ he’s got coming.

_:Find out if Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.

_:Decide if there really is a curse that plagues the Chicago Cubs year after year or if it is just really poor management, both on the field and off.

_:Sing to my children.

_:Hold my wife as we watch them marry.

_:Visit Greece, Alaska and Iceland.

_:Ride a Harley-Davidson from Los Angeles to New York City.

_:Float a boat down the Mississippi until I get to the Gulf.

_:Play guitar for the woman I love on our wedding day.

_:Get the woman I love back and keep her so we can make it to our wedding day.

_:Eat at a Taco Bell in Mexico to see if the food tastes different than a Taco Bell in Chicago.

X:Fall into love one last time.

X::Teach somebody something.

_:To have people remember me before I die.

_:Triplet sisters. Same night. Same bed.

_:Failing that, twin sisters. Same night. Same bed.

X:Failing that, just date a smoking how woman with a hot sister.

_:Pay off my student loans.

_:Failing that, keep going to school for the rest of my life.

_:Failing that, marry money so they can pay off my student loans for me.

_:Win something.

_:Visit Boston and throw 1,000+ tea bags into the water.

_:Visit the "Bunnies" at their beach house.

_:Find the way to get over somebody who I really don't want to get over.

_:Find the way to get under somebody who I really want to get under.