Events from the mail box

As I walked to my mail box on the other side of the room, I could tell that there was something in it for me. Maybe it was the gift of money from some far and away relative that I never knew I had. Or maybe it was 4 tickets to this Sunday's Bears game against the Eagles. (p.s.: if it were to be 4 tickets for the game, I wouldn't be going. What the fuck's the point? Go to watch Cutler throw ANOTHER interception in the red zone? Nice deal McCaskey.) And by some long shot of a chance, maybe it was a letter from the ex who has moved far and away from my city to chase her dream of being whatever the fuck it is that she wants to be.

But it wasn't any of the above. It was a letter from 5th 3rd Bank, for her. Since she left, every piece of mail that she has received here, I call or text her and tell her she has something. She'll either answer the phone or text me back, asking me to open it and tell her what it is. Each time, she's told me to throw it out, that she didn't need it.

So today, I opened the mail up and it was a notice to tell her that she was overdrawn on her account. I texted her, told her that 5th 3rd sent her what they did and she owed them the money. She, faster than she left Chicago, texted me back and told me "DONT OPEN MY MAIL! THATS ILLEGAL! ASS!"

O.K. by me. You ever get another piece of mail at MY house, it will be deposited into the nearest trash bin. You will get no call or text from me telling you that you received something. I really couldn't give a shit less. I can be like you know and pretend that you no longer exists. Something only children can do.

Bye kid.