I have just recently found an open application for employment on the internet. I think that it might be a good idea to fill it out, make a couple dozen copies, with the company name left blank and to be filled in by said company, and hand them directly to the person behind the counter/front desk while asking for a job. This is going to give me so many chances at becoming the multi-millionaire I know that I am capable of becoming.
NAME: Freddy in the Chi
DESIRED POSITION: Lying down. But to be serious, I ain’t too picky, I can deal with whatever's available.
DESIRED SALARY: $250,000 a year plus stock options, an open line of credit at any of the casino’s in Joliet, a company car (preferably a gas guzzling SUV), a fuel card and a three bedroom luxury condo on Lake Shore Drive.
EDUCATION: Yes, BA from the school of life and a Masters from the school of Hard Knocks.
LAST POSITION HELD: Wide receiver, ‘92-‘96, Minooka High School.
SALARY: I like my Bloody Mary’s with olives, not salary.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Being a Chicago Cubs fan the entire 31 years I’ve been on this planet.
REASON FOR LEAVING: I didn’t leave yet. When I do leave, it will be because the interview has ended.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Noon till about noon thirty.
PREFERRED HOURS: Whenever I finally get to the office to whenever I feel like leaving, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Ask the intern if I do or not. I’ll tell you later at the bar.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: Hello I’m HERE for the job.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Would you say that fifty pounds is about five cases of beer? If so, I have no prohibitions.
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: Why do you need to know? Will I be making runs to Starbucks on the corner for the office? If so, I don’t have a car. If I had a car, or if you would have paid more attention to the beginning of application, you would have noticed that I am asking for an SUV paid for by the company. No, I don't have a car.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: No, but I should have gotten one in the fifth grade for my science fair project. I was trying to show how water evaporated into the air and turned into rain. It took too long and was disqualified when I accidently pulled the fire alarm and pled to the judges that the water spilling from the ceiling, was actually the water that had evaporated from my bucket of water on the table. Didn’t work.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF OR CHARGED WITH, A CRIME? What is your definition of the term “crime.”
DO YOU SMOKE?: Smoke what?.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Your job.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: You will have to speak to my attorney’s.
SIGN HERE: Aquarius.
NAME: Freddy in the Chi
DESIRED POSITION: Lying down. But to be serious, I ain’t too picky, I can deal with whatever's available.
DESIRED SALARY: $250,000 a year plus stock options, an open line of credit at any of the casino’s in Joliet, a company car (preferably a gas guzzling SUV), a fuel card and a three bedroom luxury condo on Lake Shore Drive.
EDUCATION: Yes, BA from the school of life and a Masters from the school of Hard Knocks.
LAST POSITION HELD: Wide receiver, ‘92-‘96, Minooka High School.
SALARY: I like my Bloody Mary’s with olives, not salary.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Being a Chicago Cubs fan the entire 31 years I’ve been on this planet.
REASON FOR LEAVING: I didn’t leave yet. When I do leave, it will be because the interview has ended.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Noon till about noon thirty.
PREFERRED HOURS: Whenever I finally get to the office to whenever I feel like leaving, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Ask the intern if I do or not. I’ll tell you later at the bar.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: Hello I’m HERE for the job.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Would you say that fifty pounds is about five cases of beer? If so, I have no prohibitions.
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: Why do you need to know? Will I be making runs to Starbucks on the corner for the office? If so, I don’t have a car. If I had a car, or if you would have paid more attention to the beginning of application, you would have noticed that I am asking for an SUV paid for by the company. No, I don't have a car.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: No, but I should have gotten one in the fifth grade for my science fair project. I was trying to show how water evaporated into the air and turned into rain. It took too long and was disqualified when I accidently pulled the fire alarm and pled to the judges that the water spilling from the ceiling, was actually the water that had evaporated from my bucket of water on the table. Didn’t work.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF OR CHARGED WITH, A CRIME? What is your definition of the term “crime.”
DO YOU SMOKE?: Smoke what?.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Your job.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: You will have to speak to my attorney’s.
SIGN HERE: Aquarius.
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