The initial conversation began after a long day at the bars. It was a Sunday night, his birthday actually, around 10:30 when we got home from dinner with a couple of friends. We had been out drinking for nine or so hours - which is obviously the ideal circumstances to have a serious conversation. It started when yet another of my well-thought out birthday gifts went horribly wrong. I don't remember the details of that disastrous end to a great weekend, but the words "Sometimes I think we'd be great friends" stick out. We talked, yelled, cried, hugged for awhile and then went to bed.
At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up in a panic. I couldn't breathe; my mind was racing. Did we really have that conversation last night?? Are we breaking up?? Seriously?? This was just starting to get so good! I was really falling for this guy hard and it seemed like everything was really starting to come together for us. I laid in bed panicking until 6:30 rolled around and I had to get ready for work. I took one look at my puffy eyes in the mirror and told myself I really needed to pull it together. I left a note before walking out the door asking if we could talk that night. "Please try to work through this with me," I asked him in the note.
I lasted half the day at work. I was so upset I felt sick. I went home and slept the afternoon away before heading to his house for Round Two. The second round was more sober and therefore more clear. He really wants things to work, he explained. He just feels like something's missing and he doesn't know what it is. It has nothing to do with me, he told me; it's his problem. He's been dealing with this his entire adult life... an inability to get his feelings past a certain point, which is incredibly frustrating to him. He's told me this before, but I had seen such progress in the past few months that I thought he had overcome it. He told me that he has come so far with me and hopes that progress will continue, but he just doesn't know for sure. Our policy of complete honesty and full disclosure inspired him to have this talk with me. So comes the age old question: How far do I go, how emotionally invested do I get, how long do I wait, before I give up on this guy? He doesn't know the answers any better than I do.
I went home and surprisingly found myself thinking about, and dreaming about, my ex. I didn't understand why. I was truly upset about the issues with this man whom I had come to care so much about, so why was I thinking about another guy? It was almost like my mind, or heart, was telling me "Now's your chance! Get Matt back!" As if I needed to be any more confused than I already was.
So where do I go from here? I honestly have no clue how I'm feeling or what I want to do... But I suppose writing about it can only help me figure that out.
I know that the way I felt about my ex was unlike anything I had ever felt before or have felt since... It was like I knew - not felt, but knew - that he was the one for me. But who knows if he'd even be ready to try a relationship with me again? If it's such an uncertainty, then it's not worth the risk. But then again, the new guy is just as much of a risk.
I have made the decision to meet up with my ex on Monday for a couple drinks. I'm not sure if it's right or wrong, smart or stupid, or what outcome it may bring... But I do know that I am extremely confused, and any answer is better than no answers at this point...
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