Just One Love Left

The smoke passing over the scars on the inside of my throat from the tracheotomy 11 years ago feels somewhat chunky tonight. Almost feels like the raised portion of flesh has grown larger over the years.

My heart is beating abnormally, as usual, but tonight, somehow it's a soothing beat that my ticker is kickin'.

 But I ain't got no reason why. I haven't had a reason for a soothing beat for quite a few years.

My mind, scrambled like the eggs I had for breakfast, and just as confused as usual, for some reason, is beginning to make sense of the crazy thoughts and ideas I've manifested and I can see the life I've been livin' these past ocho ano's ain't really the exact way I envisioned the life I wanted to live. But I keep livin' it as is.

The collectors of light that are the front of my face have grown weary and they're beginning to miss things. Maybe they're missing things because I wouldn't be able to handle or accept those things if I did see them?

The noises whispering into my ears are muffled, almost scuffed by, what it seems, some sort of blockage device placed over the inner tubes. Maybe I'm just gettin' old. Maybe I don't wanna hear 'em.

But my fingers still find the places they need to be. And my hands hold my baby tightly. I don't need to see you, to know you're there, baby. Nor do I need to hear you, to know the same. If my mind were clean and stable, I would've never fallen in love with you oh so many moons ago.

You've got nothing to worry about my love. I'll place you in your case to protect you and carry you home soon enough.

Useless information that could be useful someday.

As a kid, I wanted to know the exact number of licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Repeatedly, I failed to find out by always biting the damn things. Now, as I near my 33rd birthday, I have concluded it takes 172.18 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop.

Something which might keep me, and maybe you, from sleeping tonight and every other night for the rest of our lives: On average, a person will eat 6 roaches while sleeping throughout their life.

Hallmark makes cards for 105 different relationships: I love you cards. I miss you cards. Thank you and I’m sorry cards. But, of this entire list of cards, I have never found the one that reads, “Hey, thanks for last night, now get the hell outta my house.”

The butt muscle is the biggest muscle in the human body. The tongue muscle is the strongest.

You ever wonder why some people from Mexico try to sneak into America and live here? It could be for job opportunities or it could be for a better way of life, or, it could be because Mexico City is sinking, on average, 10 inches every year.

When you go out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, or any other type of oriental joint, you always receive a fortune cookie to enjoy at the end of the meal. I often wonder, as I devour the crumbly little things, how somebody can read my fortune without ever meeting me. I also wonder what smart Chinaman is putting all of the fortunes in the cookies. So I did some research and found that fortune cookies were invented by Charles Jung, an AMERICAN, in 1918.

This is for all the people who don’t believe humans were once apes in the jungles: a female birth control pill can, and will, work for a female ape if she takes it every day for a month.

The screwdriver was invented before the screw. What the hell did they use them for before they had screws?

Does your wife think that she is retaining water? Tell her she’s lucky she's not a jelly fish. Their bodies are made of 95% H2O.

All but one woman who I've dated can officially be called a Starfish. Starfish have no hearts.

Abraham Lincoln was born in 1808. John F. Kennedy was born in 1908. Lincoln became president in 1860. JFK became president in 1960. They were both killed on Fridays. Booth, whom shot Lincoln, was born in 1839. Oswald, whom shot JFK, was born in 1939. Lincoln's personal assistants last name was Kennedy and Kennedy's personal assistants last name was Lincoln. The names of the presidents elected after Lincoln and Kennedy were both Johnson's.

A ducks quack does not echo and nobody knows why not.

“The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”, uses every letter in the American alphabet.

111,111,111 X 111,111,111= 12,345,678,987,654,321.

If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

Reno, Nevada (in the desert)is West of Los Angeles, California (on the Pacific coast).

85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear when using the bathroom.

Anything with a Superman logo (poster, coffee cup, figurine) can be found in every Seinfeld episode ever filmed.

Statues in parks with a person on a horse that has both front legs in the air means the person depicted on the horse died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

The word “samba" means “to rub navels together.”

The only difference between CBS’s “60 Minutes” and all of the other news shows on TV is that it has no theme song.

The bullet proof vest, the fire escape, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

85% of men that die while having sex are screwing a woman other than their wife when it happens.

Fred and Wilma Flintstone were the first couple shown on television in bed together.

A rat can live longer without water than a camel can.

A female ferret, that is in heat, will die if it doesn’t find a mate.

Charlie Chaplin once was awarded 3rd place in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

Some Advice For You. And You, Too.

As you go through life, remember you only get one shot at it so...

Take some chances.
Speak the truth.
Date someone totally wrong for you.
Say no.
Spend all your cash.
Fall in love.
Get to know someone completely not like you.
From time to time, be someone completely not like you.
Say I love you.
Mean it when you say it.
Laugh at a stupid joke.
Tell a stupid joke.
Cry.
Get revenge.
Apologize.
Forgive somebody. Even if they didn't ask to be forgiven.
Tell someone how much they mean to you.
Tell an asshole how you feel.
Let someone know what they're missing.
Let someone see what they're missing.
Make someone feel what they're missing.
Laugh until your stomach hurts.
And just live your life.

My New Favorite Sports Reporter: Part 2

She's 5'9, 25-year old sports reporter from Spain. This is Sara Carbonero and is my newest favorite sports reporter. (Don't worry, Sarah Spain, you're still my #1) Sara was born November 30, 1984 and was voted "The Sexiest Reporter in the World" by FHM-USA in 2009.

Enjoy the pics.

A New Way To Write

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someday, maybe...today, it's not happening.

someday, maybe....

...i'll have the dedication needed to write a worthwhile story. a story to grab all who read it by the throats, twisting, turning, pulling and knocking the living shit out of all...

...from this assault, each person will tell others to be alert and to be on the look out. but the naive fools who have been warned will search, read my stories and they themselves, will be the idiots lying lifeless on floors, gasping for air, as their dogs scamper out the back doors of their suburban homes to piss on the rose bushes...

...but, wouldn't you know i just ain't ready yet. when i finally , it'll bust outta me without warning, without fear and without hesitation because it was ready for me to put it on paper, but...

today, it's not happening.

Randoms of the day

A collection of random thoughts and ideas.

Cinderella, she seems so easy. "It takes one to know one," she smiles. And puts her hands in her back pockets, Bette Davis style.

The Sicilian Belly dancer.

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does a person still get naked to stand on their head?

Only your imagination.

babble, babble...bitch, bitch...rebel, rebel...party, party...and do not forget the violence.

Top 10 Big Lembowski Ideas on Life

Football. Check. Baseball. Check. Hockey. Check. Bowling. Uh.......check.

Years ago, when I wasn't too busy ruining the credibility of a sports blog I used to write for, I wanted to be a bowler. As a kid, I was decent at killin' the pins. As a teen, I was a lil' better. And now as an adult, the only thing I worry about while bowling is where I parked my car and who it is that's with my ex a couple two-tree lanes down from me. But if I were "The Dude", I wouldn't have a care in the World, now would I? To have everything in my life so understandable, with people always there to help me up when I fall and point me in the right direction wouldn't be too bad of a thing either. Perhaps this film is more than a funny movie about a Dude and his rug? Maybe the point of the film was how to live a life? And for those of you who can't, won't or don't accept the fact that bowling is a sport, well, I'll let Walter deal with you later.
These are My Top Ten moments of The Big Lebowski.

10. Every Dude

Dude, could you only imagine how, like, easy it would be, dude, to call everybody that you knew, dude? Dude, you would never have a problem remembering any dudes, or dudettes, names, dude. It would be awesome, dude.

9. The scary guy everybody wonders about.

We've all seen him. The one cat who everybody is scared to talk to because he appears to be a little different. Or a lot different. And then it's a good thing you didn't talk to him.

8.The friends who are always there for you.

We've all got these guys in our lives. The ones who'll bust your ass every chance they get, but when it really comes down to it, they'll be the guy who is standing next to you before, during and after a fight breaks out.

7. The guy who thinks he's better than you.

Come on, no matter how good we were, or still are, at anything, there will always be the one douche bag who feels he is better than you on his worst day. Cock suckers.

6. Everybody has those weird feelings

The weird feeling that somebody is watching you, or following you through the store or some other crazy shit like that.

5. The hot girl

We've all seen her. The smoking hot beauty waiting in line in front of us at the store. Or in the car next to us at the red light. And we've all wished the girl would say something along the lines of what Bunny says in the movie. But, all we get is "Are you looking at my tits, asshole?" Making us learn we should always wear sunglasses.

4. The old smart guy

And all of us have, or have had, this guy in our lives. Could have been your dad, you uncle, a buddies dad or the weird guy who lived behind your house growing up. These old cats always know what's best for us, so shut up and listen.

3. Challenges

We'll face many throughout our lives, some harder than others to deal with. Whatever the case, don't back down from a thing, especially guys like Jesus.

2. Remember the rules

Always, in life and in sport, play by the rules. Cheating ain't worth it because 20 years down the road, when you look at the pictures of you getting the state championship medal placed around your neck, you'll remember that you should have lost that championship match, but ya' didn't 'cause you're a cheating shit bag.

1. Always remember who you are

No matter how good you get at anything, remember that you didn't go it alone. There have always been people who pushed you when you stopped (Mom and Dad), those who laughed when you lost and made you so pissed you worked much harder and got much better just to beat their ass (Egglund) and convinced you to do whatever it was you loved. (You know who you are.)