*to note, i am writing this after being told stories about the events of last evening. some of this can be remembered, others, not so much. if what my friends have told me is true, which may or may not be, friends, i had one helluva night.
As I finished class yesterday afternoon, I had a feeling that something in my life was missing, but no idea what it actually was. At first I felt that it was the ex girlfriend, but convinced myself that it wasn't. Then I thought it was a regular diet that was missing from my sleep deprived life, but grabbed some taco's and changed my mind again. Was it the whiskey that I had sworn off months ago? Was it the meaningless casual sex from years past that I missed so much? Maybe it was the drugs, that I have or have not done? Quicker than a Cubs loss in a playoff game, I decided it was a combination of everything.
When I got back to the house, I opened a fresh bottle of Mountain Dew and sat looking out the window onto the city of Chicago. I grew bored and opted to take a nap, so I swallowed 2 Melatonin capsules (to help me sleep) and one Ambien (to REALLY help me sleep). Now, since I had been drinking The Dew, and we all know that the green drink is loaded with sugar and caffeine, I figured that I should take these three capsules of sleeping assistance with a half glass of Jack Daniels. May have been a bad idea.
Now, instead of falling into a deep, peaceful slumber, I decided to take a shower. And because my body temperature felt like I was in a pot at a Louisiana Crayfish Boil, the showers temperature was set to Colder than a Witches Tit and pretty much knocked all of the sleepiness of the drugs outta me.
After drying myself, and putting on some blue jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt, I started making calls to my friends to see what their plans were for the night. This guy was going to that bar. That guy was going to this bar. She was going here. She was going there. So I elected to meet one of the girls at her spot of drunkenness. When I got there, I don't remember. But she told me this morning when she called to check on me that I was more bombed last night than she has ever seen me. And that is pretty scary.
She told me that as I sat at the bar next to her, that I was throwing coasters like ninja stars at the bartender because "there are nun-chucking monkeys behind you." And when the bartender cut me off after two beers that I laughed so hard at her. So hard that I was crying and couldn't breathe. She told me that she took me outside for some fresh air and to calm me down, but I continued to laugh and I told her that I was laughing because "Ozzy Osbourne was dancing on the bar singing Crazy Train."
If she was a good friend, this might have been the point in the night that she took me back to her place, put my ass on her couch and made me fall to sleep. But she didn't. So she will not be getting a Christmas card this season.
We left that bar and walked down the street to a different bar. Upon entering, while she was showing her ID to the door guy, I bolted to the bar to try and talk with a gal that caught my attention. My friend moved as fast as she could to stop me from saying/doing anything that was going to cause problems or start trouble, but it was too late.
"Hey there, can I buy you a drink" my friend said I asked the girl at the bar. "No, you can't, I have a boyfriend" the girl responded. "Well, I have a goldfish at home" responded I, says my friend. "Excuse me? Why do I care about what you have at home" the girl asked. "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about shit that didn't really matter." And we were off to a new place.
My friend decided that I needed some food to help and sober me up so we went to McDonalds. She says that I stood leaning, with my forehead against, the drive-thru menu sign for 10 minutes trying to read what was offered. After making a selection I stood at the voice box screaming my order at the poor lady inside. "I want two orders of oyster-crab cakes with a side of mashed sweet potatoes and creamed corn," she said I ordered before walking to the pick-up window. As we stood there waiting for our food, Theo, a mutual friend of ours who has been in love with the girl I was with since we were getting our Undergrads, walked by on the sidewalk. "Hey THEO!!! LOOK WHO I'M WITH!!!BET YOU WISH YOU WERE ME!!!I'M GONNA FUCK HER LATER!!!" my friend said I screamed. And Theo called me a motherfucker for calling him out. I told Theo that "I'M NOT A MOTHERFUCKER, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU'RE MOM IN YEARS!!!"
About then, says my friend, the food lady was handing us our bags of grub. After opening mine to sink my teethe into the oyster-crab cakes, the mashed sweet potatoes and creamed corn, I realized that all I had was a bag of fries and a burger so I knocked on her window and simply said "HEY, MCDONALDS LADY!!!YOU MCFUCKED UP!!!"
Now, I was smashed, sure, and all kinds of messed in the head, but I still think I had my wits. My friend and I sat at a table on the outside of McDonalds to eat our burgers and try to relax. And always, I questioned how her life was going. She told me that it was a little slow in the guy department and that she hadn't had sex since Bush was president. She told me that my question to her statement might have been the funniest thing she ever did hear me say. "Well, you want me to go home with ya and welcome in the Obama Administration?"
Should make for an interesting night tonight.
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