When thoughts of getting back together with my ex consumed my mind immediately after talk of a potential breakup with the new guy, I interpreted it as evidence that I should try to rekindle the flame with my old boyfriend. I thought the reason I was thinking about my ex rather than worrying about losing the man I’ve been dating for the past ten months must’ve been because I’m still in love with him and deep down, want to be with him instead.
I didn’t consider the possibility that maybe running back to my ex was just a defense mechanism. I didn’t want to have to experience another breakup, more rejection. Telling myself that I wanted this breakup too protected me from getting hurt. “It’s okay. He doesn’t want to be with me? That’s fine. I don’t want to be with him either; I’m still in love with Matt. This is actually a good thing because now I have the freedom to get him back”
The reality is, yes, I definitely still love my ex and I probably always will. And yes, I hold our relationship on a pedestal that I’m not sure any future relationship will be able to touch. And yes, our love was a very passionate love. But that doesn’t mean that we would work. And it doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy with someone else. And maybe there is something irrational, impulsive, immature about such passionate love.
And the reality is I do feel very strongly about this new guy. Until two weeks ago, I was smiling all the time because of him. I told a friend I could see myself marrying him. He is older, much more career-minded and focused than my ex, and would be a great father and husband. I shouldn’t just try to convince myself I don’t have these feelings for him just because I’m scared he’ll dump me. I must be honest with myself.
I still haven’t completely sorted out exactly how I feel or what I want, so this is my plan: I will proceed with caution in my current relationship, knowing that there’s a good chance it won’t last forever. I will just enjoy the time we have together, but try to emotionally withdraw a bit. I will casually meet with my ex to see if he provides any clarity or direction. And I will try to just let go and let things happen for themselves. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I’m not pushing either way.
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