Now What?

So I went out with my ex the other night. I worked until 6:30 or so and then met him at a dive bar down the street. He was already there when I arrived, Guinness in hand. He was just in jeans and a t-shirt, but he looked good. Things felt a little awkward at first, so I ordered a vodka-tonic to take the edge off. We had some casual conversation and started to catch up. The awkwardness was fading, but was still present. It’s strange to “catch up” with someone who was once your entire world.

It didn’t take long for him to ask why I wanted to meet up so badly. I told him the new guy and I were having some issues, but that I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to have a fun night. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him what I should do with my new boyfriend, especially since they know each other. He questioned me about my new relationship throughout the night, but I kept changing the subject.

He had just come from his first physical in ten years. He told me he‘d been nervous about the appointment, since he’s just been pretty much beating his body up more and more over the years. The doctor asked him how much he drank and he responded with “You don’t want to know.” He lit up a cigarette and headed to the bar immediately after the doctor told him he needed to try to quit drinking for two weeks and quit smoking.

He told me how he had just gotten back from a week in Aruba and a week in Vegas, where he lost somewhere around $10,000. This is a bartender who typically works three nights a week.

As the night went on, I was reminded more and more of his bad qualities. His irresponsibility, his immaturity, his lack of drive or motivation to become anything more than a bartender. His drinking problems. His smoking. His complete lack of faith in God. How he drags me down in the same aspects of life where the new guy encourages, helps, and supports me. And perhaps most importantly for me… how he’ll probably never be able to pull it together enough to have a relationship with me.

We had a great night. And there are obviously still a lot of things I love about him. We shared some laughs, stories, life updates… and I am glad we got to spend that time together.

But did I get the glaring obvious answers and sense of direction I was looking for? Not at all. The only thing I may have gotten out of it is that he and I won’t work. At least not right now. But I suppose that’s something.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]