i don't know why i keep doing this to myself. i thought about her today, the first time since the last time. and because i was thinking about her, i couldn't stop myself from trying to get in touch with her. and even though i knew i shouldn't have done it, the entire time i was doing it, i continued to write the text message to her.
almost seven months to the day, all the shit i've been lying to myself about has pretty much caught up to me and i don't know why.
she said she was good. which i was happy about. but i remembered all the times she wasn't. and all of those times were times when i called her mine.
most of it had to do with us; stupid fights, major fights, moronic ideas that i, or she, held about the other. but the times that had nothing to do with us as a couple really, were remembered too. like the time i sat in the waiting room to hear the results of her surgery. the time i took her to the hospital and sat with her for hours hoping to find the reason for the pain she was having. then i started to remember the really bad times, and sad to say, those seemed to outweigh the good.
but no matter how many bad memories there are, there are good ones too. and they're fucking amazing. those memories are so amazing because when we made them, we were amazing. and most of the amazing memories of the amazing times all came from the first couple months of our barley over a year relationship.
that makes me wonder this though; was the majority of our relationship complete and utter bullshit? did i, did she, did we...continue to lie to ourselves and to each other about the love that may or may not have been there? could we have been fixed? were we worth fixing? i know i loved her long after she left, but don't know when she stopped loving me or even if she has. i assume that she has, but because we haven't spoke i don't know. i'm sure she has, but what if she hasn't? what if the only reason she hasn't tried to get in touch with me is because she still loves me and is scared of a repeat of the last round? or because she is scared that talking with me again would bring back the same memories i had today, both the good and the bad?
i can't lie and say i didn't see the end coming like i have in previous posts anymore. i saw it coming. i just wanted to pretend i didn't, so i ignored it, hoping it would go away. praying it would all be fixed when i woke the next day.
but nothing worth fixing should get treatment like that. i should have dealt with it when i first saw it. maybe she wouldn't have been driven away? maybe she still would have been? but i can't change the past, and there's no point of staying in it. so i gotta move forward with a whole heart. without the love that i held for her and without the love we shared, no matter how long it actually was, hoping to find it again someday.
maybe it's because of something new in my life. maybe it's from something else. but whatever the reason, i'm ready to go.
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