I told her as she walked down the hall and out of my life how I'd love her always and forever. how she'd never escape my heart and the door to our home would remained unlocked, waiting for her to come back through, no matter when the day was.
Her last suitcase lugged behind her as she told me to get over her and move on. The last words shared in person.
For a lengthy time I didn't want to move on without her, so I didn't. I thought there might have been a chance of her changing her mind, or her heart, and she'd come back home to me. Maybe somewhere still inside her, she'd find the courage to tell her mother, for the first time, she wasn't going to do what she wanted.
But she hasn't changed her mind and she hasn't told her mom to fuck off and, more likely than not, she'll keep thinking and living the way her mom tells her to.
A few months after she left, I felt I was over her so I took a look around. As I assumed, I witnessed nothing to catch my eye. Sure, there were a few girls who grabbed my attention for a few minutes and blah, blah, blah but after talking with them for a bit, I realized they were all talking about shit that meant absolutely nothing to anybody beside themselves.
So now I sit, a little over a year since she left, still thinking about her everything because I have forgotten how to forget. How to forget her most importantly.
The way those dark eyes looked when we kissed with our eyes open, the tone of her voice when she whispered i love you's into my ear in bed, the way she'd bite her bottom lip when surprised, the things we did together at her house, at my house and at OUR house, each and every time we would forgive each other after a fight.
Except the last one. We didn't forgive each other after the last one.
It's so hard to look back on someone we love(d) and think of the bad things. We just want to hold onto the good things, the reasons we fell in love in the first place. We almost ignore the glaring faults that were usually the cause of the breakup.
ReplyDeleteBeing unable to think for yourself is a major character flaw and something you don't want in a wife, a girlfriend, or really even a friend. For your own sake, try to think about the reasons it would never work, rather than the reasons you wish it would.
And yes I am going to try to take my own advice :)
Boston, I have thought about all the reasons it wouldn't have ever worked. But those reasons are all in the shadow of the reasons why we did, and why we should still, work.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I know that I used the past tense by saying "we 'did' work". The fact that we did work is the bitter sweet pill I swallow every morning. We were so different, but so the same.
You might not feel that to be possible, but we were, and when we were good...we were fucking amazing.
But that goes both ways too I suppose. When we weren't the happiest, we were down right awful for and to each other.
We used to joke that because of the fights we had, that was a main reason we stayed together, because those fights led to the make-up sex.
Both of us were still pissed off, but took out that anger in a different way. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Blah. Blah. And Blah.