A Visitors Guide to Chicago

Each day of the week I see at least five people not from Chicago that came unprepared for the elements this city offers everybody. They may be by themselves or with large groups of people, with a back pack strapped on and a camera dangling around their neck. Every big city has tourists /visitors like this, but when they are here, close to none of them actually understand how this city works. And because of their ignorance, all travel agents should have this list of information about the Windy City.

F.Y.I. It’s not called the Windy City because of the wind off the lake. Politics is the true reason.

The first topic on this list is the climate. When it's a certain temperature in Chicago, it will mean a completely different thing than what said temperature means in your home town. A few examples:

- When it's 60 degrees here, Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats. People from Chicago hit Oak Street beach and sunbathe.

- When it's 50 degrees here, New Yorkers try to turn on the heat in their hotel rooms. Residents of the Chi plant gardens.

- When it's 40 degrees here, people from Nevada let their Italian cars heat up for 45 minutes. People of this city drive Chevy's, Ford's and SUV's with the windows rolled down.

- When it's 32 degrees here, distilled water all over the globe freezes. The body of water that is Lake Michigan doesn't, it just gets thicker. CHICAGO BABY--NO PLACE LIKE IT!

- When it's 20 degrees here, people from St. Louis shiver uncontrollably while Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

- When it's 15 degrees here, New York landlords finally turn up the heat to keep their tenants warm while we throw on sweatshirts.

- When it's 0 degrees here, Californians fly away to Mexico. But people from Chicago lick flagpoles (never said we were smart) and put a light jacket over our sweatshirts.

- When it's 20 below here, people in Miami cease to exist while the people of Chicago bust out our winter coats.

- When it's 40 below here, Hollywood disintegrates while the Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

- When it's 50 below here, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole and Chicago people become frustrated when we can't thaw the keg.

- When it's 60 below here, Microbial life survives on dairy products while the cows of Illinois complain about farmers with cold hands.

- When it is 460 below here, ALL atomic motion stops. But the people of Chicago start asking others if it's "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

- When it is 500 below here, Hell freezes over and the Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

But it's not just the climate difference of Chicago from the rest of the country/world, there are other things too.

Things like:

-When you first land at O’Hare or Midway Airports, each person must learn to pronounce the city name correctly. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you are visiting places North or South of Roosevelt Rd.

-If your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. Streets and roads, and the names of both, change here at least twice a month.

-Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

-There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.

-All directions start with, "I-94" ... which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 5AM to noon. The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 10PM and Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning at 7.

-If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cursed at and possibly shot.

-When you are the first one on the line at a stop light, count to five after the light turns green before moving into the intersection so to avoid crashing into drivers running red lights.

-Construction on the Northwest Toll-Way is a way of life here and a permanent form of entertainment. We have so much fun with this construction, we decided to add the Elgin-O'Hare Expressway (which oddly enough, doesn't go to either Elgin or O'Hare) and I-355 to the mix.

-All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

-If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect on the car.

-Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

-First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NorthWest Highway, (Rte’s. 12-20-45) all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections. Even though all three highways, are THE SAME FUCKING ROAD!
-If asking directions in Cicero you must know how to speak Spanish.

-If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side you'd better be armed.

-A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours. Though the city is only 10 miles wide

-The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85 MPH. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

-The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental.

-The Congress Expressway, commonly referred to as the Eisenhower Expressway,
is our daily version of NASCAR (though often at speeds that don't exceed 5 mph).

-The Dan Ryan Expressway is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

-If it's 100 degrees, it's the Taste of Chicago. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park.

-If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western Open Golf Classic is in the second round.

-If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park in the "Cubs Lot" across the street. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2,500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run him over and park the car.