Once upon a time, somebody who I once held very closely to my heart, told me that she'd love me forever. I believed her because, I too, thought that I would love her forever.
When she left me, I knew why she decided to do what she had. But like most 21-year old men, I pretended that I had no clue and blamed everything I could for her departure on people other than me.
After her, I fell in love with girls faster than a jar of baby food run through a 6 month old child. Now, I really don't know how fast that is, but it seems like those little shits, well, shit as fast as they eat.
The sad thing wasn't how fast I fell in love. The sad thing was that I barely even knew the girls who I convinced myself that I was falling in love with.
Sure, I knew their names, what school they went to, their favorite drinks and the bars that they enjoyed bull shitin"' with me at but other than that, I really knew shit about them.
But still, I could trick myself into having that great feeling of love, or even better, falling in love with them. This was all before I knew that there was a difference between love and lust.
Now, some 10 years later, I know that I never really loved them, nor was I ever falling in love with them. I was lusting them. I wanted to get them naked and do all the dirty things that only married couples were supposed to do. (BTW, I never thought that only married couples were supposed to do all those dirty things.)
Lets go through the list of girls that I was crazy about, shall we.
#1. Dez.
When I met Dez I was 21, she was ten years older than me. She was a bartender at a bar in the town I worked construction in. The first time I met her was when a went in for a couple beers with the guys I worked with. She walked over to me as soon as I sat down and told me that she was going to get me fucked up so that she could fuck me all night long. What? I didn't even order a beer yet and this sexy older woman was telling me that she would wake up next to me the next morning. Dez was about 5'7, long blond hair, huge fake boobs and an ass that looked like it belonged to an 18-year old. She was divorced, had two kids and fucked every which way to Sunday you could. Of course I thought that I loved her.
#2. Gina
She was a beautiful hair dresser/bartender in the city next to my home town. She was 5'10, had really short hair, angel wings tattooed on her back, a great personality, a smoking hot body and was older than me by five years. Every time I'd walk into the bar that she worked at, as soon as she seen me, she'd pour me a Guinness Lunch Box (Guinness, Orange juice and Amaretto-tastes better than it sounds) and grab me a Miller Lite. Because this beauty took care of me so damn well at the bar, I assumed that she was cool with me, that even though she was older than myself, somehow, I had a chance with her. And because I was 21-years old, I didn't know that bartenders, sexier than hell female bartenders, did that kind of stuff for guys so that they would get better tips. And better tips she did get from me. Fuck, on a Thursday night, a night that ALL bottled beer was only $1, I'd still end up spending $50. About twenty of which were beers for my buddies and myself, the other $30 to the beauty behind the bar.
#3. Leslie.
Leslie was younger than me. I met her when I was 23, she was 21,I think. She was a beautician and, surprisingly, a bartender. The night I met her I told her that I thought she was beautiful. She kissed me. She was 100% Italian, tall and had legs that looked like they went from the floor to her neck. She'd call me around two in the morning on Tuesday nights to tell me that she was going to the only 4 AM bar in town and wanted to see me. Of course I would go, she was hot. When I'd show up, we'd talk and drink and flirt like we had just gotten married. You know, when married couples still did that kinda shit at the beginning of their marriage. I was comfortable with her so I thought that she was the girl I was to love. Wrong.
#4. Tiff.
Tiff was the same age as Leslie. Went to the same school as Leslie. Even partied at all the same places as Leslie. And for good reason. Tiff was Leslie's best friend. She was tall, blond hair and had a nice body. The cool thing about Tiff, besides the already mentioned, was that she played guitar better than anybody I knew at the time. There was something sexy about that. Seeing her on stage with her Martin, strumming the strings, singing her song, all while looking directly at me. But, I read too far into that. As I thought that she was trying to tell me that she was into me by looking at me while singing, she really was just using me as her "focal point". Now, a "focal point", for those of you who don't know, is a spot, or an object that you look at while on stage to take your mind off of the crowd. She never did tell me why she chose me, but when I asked her to go for dinner, and refused, she never did use me again.
#5. Kell.
Kell was a massage therapist and, like 75% of the previous girls, a bartender. She wasn't really crazy hot, but she was that girl next door hot, which really made her crazy hot. Understand what I did there? She had a nice body, an amazing personality and the cutest smile of anybody I ever met. She bartended on Sunday's during Bears games at the bar I used to frequent. And I'd be there every Sunday at 10:30 in the morning to claim my seat dead in the center of the bar to catch the game. But really, I was just sitting there to catch a glimpse of her as she served beer in her very tight Neal Anderson jersey.
Now, except for #1 on this list, I never did date any of these women. Hell, I don't even think that what me and #1 did together each night after the bar would be considered dating now that I think about it. And none of these women ever knew how I felt about them really. I'm sure that if I did tell them that I thought that I was in love or falling in love with them, they would have smacked me in the face and told me that I was a creep. Or they would have used that old, tired excuse of "I like you too much as a friend. I don't want to screw up our friendship."
And now at thirty, I know that the girl who told me she'd love me forever, really did love me at that time. And I really did love her too, at that time. But the other women that I confused lust for love with, I never truly loved. I loved the idea of loving them. And the ways that they looked and acted. And the things that they did, in the bedroom or on the stage.
But I never really knew what the fuck I was thinking back then. Nor did I realize that I never had a chance with a single one. Something I wish I realized the night I met each.
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