Things That Make Me Mad: Part III

People, in general, are a collaboration and collection of heart beats that are all directed toward the same destination:

Piss Freddy off Land

Don’t get me wrong, it's not my belief, nor will it ever be, that I am the center of the universe. No matter how very nice that might be.

But everyday, people consistently continue to amaze me and push me to levels of anger that I never knew existed. And these people, their ideas, their thoughts and the stupid shit they do are as follows.

1. Automobiles with giant, over sized spoilers on them.

I often wonder, while driving behind a little Mitsubishi Eclipse piece of shit, if the driver even knows what the purpose of a spoiler is? They are to keep whatever they are attached to, on the ground with down pressure. But “Johnny Cool Kid’s” mommy got him the 3 foot tall spoiler to pimp his ride, so that he could pick up "dem hoes" and bang out in the Burger King Bathroom.

2. The fucking idiots who, after seeing that the light has just turned from green to yellow at the approaching intersection, put the petal to the floor to speed up and try to beat the light.

While the whole time all of this is going on, they know that they are going to slam on the breaks, slide five feet into the intersection and pull the wheel hard to the left to avoid colliding with Granny Smith and her dog as she walks home from the grocery with here bag of apples.

3. Commercials before a movie.

I don’t mean the commercials on the home movies or DVD’s, I mean the commercials before the movies in the theater. The point of a commercial is to get people motivated to go out, at that second, to purchase the “end all-save all” product that they have just seen on the screen, right? Why then, after I just paid $18 for two movie tickets, $27.75 for a tub of popcorn (extra butter and salt), a bag of Gummy Worms, a box of Snicker’s Bits and two large vats of Diet Coke (trying to watch the figure), do the dip shits running the theater think I’m gonna lift my ass out of the little cushy chair to go and purchase a new 18 inch fucking box fan?

4. And since were on the topic of movie’s, two more things.

First, why can’t these teenage douche bags working behind the counter selling the tickets speed their shit up? Is it so depressingly hard for you to hit a button, pull the ticket stub and move on to the next person in line?

Secondly, I understand that some movies are so damn good that people will go back for a second, third or any number you want to put here, viewing. But why do these asshole’s seem to find it an absolute necessity to blab about how the film is going to end five minutes into the damn thing? Shut your pie holes!!!

5. Smoking.

I smoke. You may not. And because of this, I will remove myself from the public common area to have my smoke. I’m not going to blow smoke at you or intoxicate your lungs with the carcinogens that I have decided to pollute myself with for the past 15 years. So, as I stand outside in the rain, snow or blistering heat, more than the mandatory boundary that the city of Chicago has passed (all smokers must be more than 15 feet away from the entrance to any public building) don’t you fucking dare fake cough as you walk by me. I might just punch you in the back of the head......bitch.

6. That little smart asshole/bitch that we’ve all had in class.

You know who I speak of, the dicks who pretend that they are disappointed in themselves after scoring a 95 and not a perfect 100% on a test. Listen, you little fuck, I scored a 75%, you want mine?

7. Morons who scream common names in the hallways.

“HEY MIKE!” Thirty five people stop walking and turn around to see who it was that just yelled their name.

8. People who put lawsuits on companies for hurting them.

Well, not all people versus companies, but the idiots who have eaten a Big Mac a day and have smoked a pack a day for the past twenty years, suing MacDonald's and Marlboro for them being obese and having lung cancer. Shut up. You did it to yourself. Get over it.

9. Cursive penmanship.

Most likely, the people who write memo’s and letter’s in this manner, are the only people who can read them. And CEO’s of companies wonder why shit don’t get done.

10. Hallmark Holiday’s.

Mothers Day. Fathers Day. Christmas. All real holidays. Valentines day, Presidents Day, Earth Day. Are not. And if they are, why isn’t “Blowjob Day”, “Do Your Girlfriend and Her Hot Friend Day” or “Put it in Wherever You Want Day” included on this list?

11. Girls who say things like:
a- I think I'm fat. Do you think I'm fat?
b- My boobs are too tiny.
c- Do you really like me.

My answers:
a- If you think that you're fat, does it really fucking matter if I do? Why don’t you quit crying about it and start busting your ass in the gym?
b- Your boobs are not tiny, as a matter of fact, little titties are better than huge knockers. All you need is a handful, anything more is just a waste of flesh.
c- If I didn’t really like you, I would have answered yes when you asked if I thought you were fat or bought you bigger tits.

12. The people who look at their tissue after they blow their nose.

They understand that there will be snots, maybe some blood, wrapped within the tissue, but still need to have a peek. Do they think they will be able to analyze the holdings of their lungs with a once over on their boogers?

13. When people say that you have just made a “stupid mistake.”

Are their smart mistakes....smart ass?

14. Girls who cheat in games of pool so that they can win.

Well, actually, this does give a pretty good description of the cheating whore’s before we find them in OUR bed with some other guy that they shot pool with at the corner pub.

15. Puerto Rico not being a state.

It’s better than Indiana, and that shit hole’s a state.

16. Lincoln Park Trixies.

Enough said.

17. Writing essays for classes other than English.

Like the essay I wrote about the Civil War in high school. I got a “D” on it because of the grammatical errors and it not being a smooth flowing read. It didn’t matter that it included some of the best fucking information ever attained about the war or information that the instructor didn’t even know himself, because I didn’t do it with the AP Style book sitting on my lap, I got the poor grade. Thanx teach....cock sucker.

18. The phrase: “You gotta give 110% to win.”

Well coach, all I got is 100%, so if I’m gonna lose the game because my 100% wasn't enough, there really is no point of me getting out onto the floor now is there?

19. "Hands Free" devices.

Not really the devices themselves, but the people who have the “hands free” devices for their cell phones connected to their shirt collar, but still hold the fucking wire of thus “hands free” device in their hand while talking on it.

20. The fact that it is completely impossible to know if somebody is being sarcastic or not, on-line.