Hello....God?I've been thinkin today about how it all mighta been, how it all shoulda been. Every hour that passed was full of mind travels and emotional scavenger hunts. It's not like I didn't understand her, and it's not like I didn't wanna be with her but she only wanted me...well, the way she wanted me.
I left. She stayed.
I buy magazines and papers now, just for the chance I might see her face. I listen to the radio to hear the song that makes me feel like the night she stayed in my arms, under a black midnight sky, back in the hills of Oklahoma. Or was it Kansas? Colorado?
She's gone now. I'm still here. How I wish to speak with her about love. The kinda love that doesn't die. The kinda love that must've died years ago in her. That kinda love I still got. She's the reason why. She's my reason why.
Where might we be? What might be my life? Her life? Our life?
Dust fell upon our love and crop circles formed in our hearts. Her love spun me 'round, and how bad I wish for that again. Busy streets stopped as we crossed holding hands. The games of hide and seek we played, always looking for the way. We found it, but sadly, those spots discovered were lacking sensitivity and full of betrayal.
I won't catch her. I would try, but I'd never be able to grasp her, watchin my words as she cries, decidin again, to stop the beat of her heart. People used to watch us quarrel in the courtyard with amusement, temptation, fright, lust, shame and fear.
And I sit, a thousand miles away, worryin about the song that I'm tryin to write for her just to let her know that if she wanted, I'd be right there by her side, to hold her head up off the floor like I used to. Or maybe she held mine? This guitar ain't gonna pay the bills forever, but if it could, wouldn't that be somethin?
If your rain can make it grow, and your sun can raise the hearts, why's this happenin? I can't play this game anymore. I have stowed away my love. She needs to be here. I need to be there. Sweeping sensitivities blinded me years ago on the day I cut my throat with the staple. What would she say? One more shot? It's all I think about, the love, and her with my heart in her hands.
I still hold her notes and listen to the word's spill from her mouth. Watchin re-runs of Saturday Night Live on an old fold-out couch, followed by a lick of her thigh. Thinkin over and over and over and over and over about how it mighta been, how it shoulda been, how it'll never be. So sad.
What am I gonna do? Keep on keepin on? Stop traffic with a hop, skip and a jump? Follow Red Rover, Red Rover as Freddy's sent over? Jack Flash ain't jumpin' and those Saint's ain't Marching In any day soon without her.
She can stay. I'll leave, again. I wish her the best to fix the mangled heart I've left her. Please hear me God, don't let her change her mind anymore, it'll only lead to another heart breaking episode in her life. This has got to die, this she and I.
I still hear her voice over mine, as I look into the eyes she left behind in the mirror. She always said she loved my eyes. I loved her everything. I'll search the world to find her. Just to hold her. To kiss her. To show her how responsible I'm not. To not let go until she tells me to.
As I stand on the stage, with all eyes on me, I see her in the crowd smiling at me, singing along with the words from my soul, without her actually being there. All without me at her side. Is it because I didn't know enough or because I knew too much? Probably both.
The time of her life, I hope for her. I have no more advice to give her. You blessed her soul with perfection and grace. She was, is and always will be, in control of this mess I call a heart. All my heros are gone and I wanna be like them. It always looked like fun to do this, but it was a blatant lie I continue to tell myself to this day.
You're crazy; I tell myself. I'm probably right. I'm certain I am. Yeah.
Just to hold her hand, with a true breath, a great greedy gasp in the coolness of the night, without words, I'd fade away. In shadows and circles, I live my life. She counted down, I didn't launch, it was a fair warning. So faded, I am.
So dark...and worn...and faded.
She will never know that I'm faded because of her love. The love she never even knew was there. The love I denied myself to feel. Strangers scream I love you. Panties and bra's are tossed to me. Drinks bought. I miss her.
Maybe she knew all along the way it was to eventually be. I feel she may have. Strange. Faded lover of the shadows, dancing in the neon stars, a tryst in the lobby of the Hilton?
Thoughts of her crawl into my head everyday. Now, like the cockroaches that yell they love me, she really hates me. Please, don't let me hurt her anymore. Make her hate me in silence. Please, I beg you God, her hate, don't let me see it, feel it or hear it.
All the compliments for this or that, don't get me to my final destination. Please, see what's good for her, and make her let go completely. No more chances, I will only devastate her again.
All the things I couldn't/wouldn't do for her have caught up to me. And it is good they have. I finally can see that I wasn't the man I thought I was. She won't be my wife, I, not her husband. No baby boys showered with love. No Christmas trees. No carved pumpkins. Without cranberry sauce and a canned ham.
Love. Love. Love. Love.
When JC shined light on the subject, while nailed to that tree, nobody took it seriously. Gamblers of life and fate, we musicians are. I'll put it down. Send her back home to me so she can tell me she hates me. I'll know she wont mean it. Unless of course this time...she finally does.
Thanks for taking the time to listen God.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment