For 32-years, I've felt it unacceptable to laugh at the emotions of others. For 32-years, I've stood up and protected the people whose emotions were being laughed at by the douche bags who were laughing. For 32-years, I felt this to be a strong quality of myself.
Last night, those 32-years all slipped away.
I had no reason for the smiles on my face or the jokes spilled from my mouth. But they presented themselves for all to see and hear, if those people knew what my smiles and jokes were about or not.
After I said my jokes and grinned my smiles, I thought about what I was doing. And when I realized what it was, it all stopped.
I've been in the same place as the person who I was making jokes about and smiling over. I've had to accept the fact of loss each time something/someone I cared for, loved or craved was going to be removed, or was removing themselves, from my life. I've told myself each time it was going to be easier than I knew it was actually going to be and each time I've found myself to be a liar.
That's what I was laughing, smiling and joking about...the pain inside somebody else.
Bastard.
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