I'm addicted to it I think.

I used to go to meetings for my drinking problem. I feel it's not a problem really, it's not like I can't function unless I have booze on the lip, I just have a problem with going to the bar to see the people I know and to maybe meet some new ones.

I feel I really have no drinking problem but I know I should still be going to meetings like I used to. Because I'm such a stubborn-ass-country boy, like many other things, I've told myself too many times to count, I can go without help. That I can beat this love for drinking on my own.

And for the most part, I'm whipping its ass.

But drinking isn't really the addiction I've just realized I've had for far too long to remember. Well, that's not true I guess. I can remember who it started with and when it started, I just don't know why it started.

I have a thing for falling in the "crazy kinda love" thing with women who can ruin my life. I don't mean that the way it sounds.

For the most part, 99% of the relationships, whoever it was at the time ( especially the last one), have done nothing but make me a better, stronger man. But shit went wrong somewhere along the way, and, well, the 1% kicked my ass. Maybe because they all have been strong, independent, smart women.

It's kinda funny when I think about it. With a whole heart, I feel each of them bettered me somehow, but the last one, the one who I knew was a thousand times better than me, she blew my mind.

When she told me about her life, and all the shit she had been through, it made me want to do nothing but protect her for the rest of her days. That she was too damn special to have any of the shit happen to her that had. The events of her life made me want to be a stronger, more reliable man so they wouldn't hurt her again.

But the day she left...I lost it.

From the better, stronger man I had become just from knowing her...in about 3 seconds time, I was back to the lying-on-the-floor-baby-boy-crying-for-his-mama the day she told me she was gone.

I used to think about her everyday. Every minute of everyday when I wasn't sleeping was spent thinking about her. And every magnificent thing she was.

So now that I can honestly say that I am ready to move on to a life without the greatest woman I've ever known, I wonder if I've learned my lesson yet? Do I want another strong, independent, smart woman?

You bet your ass I do.