JT and Matt Morris.

When Lenoard Cohen did it, it was wonderful. When Dylan covered it, it was exceptional. But these two hit the some bitch on the head.

I'm addicted to it I think.

I used to go to meetings for my drinking problem. I feel it's not a problem really, it's not like I can't function unless I have booze on the lip, I just have a problem with going to the bar to see the people I know and to maybe meet some new ones.

I feel I really have no drinking problem but I know I should still be going to meetings like I used to. Because I'm such a stubborn-ass-country boy, like many other things, I've told myself too many times to count, I can go without help. That I can beat this love for drinking on my own.

And for the most part, I'm whipping its ass.

But drinking isn't really the addiction I've just realized I've had for far too long to remember. Well, that's not true I guess. I can remember who it started with and when it started, I just don't know why it started.

I have a thing for falling in the "crazy kinda love" thing with women who can ruin my life. I don't mean that the way it sounds.

For the most part, 99% of the relationships, whoever it was at the time ( especially the last one), have done nothing but make me a better, stronger man. But shit went wrong somewhere along the way, and, well, the 1% kicked my ass. Maybe because they all have been strong, independent, smart women.

It's kinda funny when I think about it. With a whole heart, I feel each of them bettered me somehow, but the last one, the one who I knew was a thousand times better than me, she blew my mind.

When she told me about her life, and all the shit she had been through, it made me want to do nothing but protect her for the rest of her days. That she was too damn special to have any of the shit happen to her that had. The events of her life made me want to be a stronger, more reliable man so they wouldn't hurt her again.

But the day she left...I lost it.

From the better, stronger man I had become just from knowing her...in about 3 seconds time, I was back to the lying-on-the-floor-baby-boy-crying-for-his-mama the day she told me she was gone.

I used to think about her everyday. Every minute of everyday when I wasn't sleeping was spent thinking about her. And every magnificent thing she was.

So now that I can honestly say that I am ready to move on to a life without the greatest woman I've ever known, I wonder if I've learned my lesson yet? Do I want another strong, independent, smart woman?

You bet your ass I do.

I don't know.

She told me that she loved me way long ago. I believed her. And I loved her too. But her love stopped one day. What that date was is unclear to me because somebody neglected to inform me of the breaking news. She must have just assumed that I would figure it out.

So now, almost 5 months to the date that she decided to say the phrase that still keeps me awake at night, "I don't love you anymore," I can officialy say that I am no longer in love with her.

Sure, you might think that it took me a long time to get over her, I can agree with you that it was indeed a long time. But I though that she and I had something special. Not so suprising really, I was wrong once again.

Now, I'm not blaming her for what she did or didn't do, and I'm not saying that the relationship that we had was a waste of my time, I'm just letting you, and maybe her if she's reading this, that I'm over her.

Do I still love her? You're damn right I do. Am I still in love with her? No, I'm not.

If you're thinking that loving somebody and being in love with somebody are one in the same, well, you must not understand this little thing called love then.

Maybe she didn't understand the differences. Maybe she still doesn't. That's not my worry any longer.

And maybe that was the problem all along, the two of us having different opinions about what love actually was?

Miracle?

After being asked to be patient, take it slow, wait a little longer... I decided I was done waiting. I made up my mind that I needed to just end it. People don't change. A guy who isn't a relationship-type guy will never be a relationship-type guy. I wasn't willing to learn that the hard way for what seemed like the millionth time.

And so I told him it was over.


But he wasn't willing to accept that.

The passion I saw in him during that argument made me believe that maybe I was wrong. Maybe history doesn't always repeat itself. Maybe he is being honest, he is trying, maybe he truly wants this relationship to work. Maybe when he spoke to me, he wasn't just using empty words to keep me around, with no intention of ever building a meaningful relationship with me.

Maybe the words that I interpreted as him not caring, were the very words that showed how much he did care. Because the truth is he wasn't ready. Not because he wasn't interested in me, not because I'm not the one for him, not because we didn't have that "connection," but because he has his own past that has screwed him up in different ways than my past has screwed me up.

In the past two months, I have seen such growth... such transformation. My hope and belief in love has been restored. Am I in love with him? I'm not sure yet... but the fact that the possibility exists is amazing to me.

My tendency to believe in some hidden magical goodness and potential in seemingly unavailable men, which has always been a curse to me, may end up finding me true love... just as I was about to give up all hope.