Goodbye Waterbed

Without warning? I'd be lying if I told you I didn't see it coming. Just wish I would have seen it days, weeks, months before I did. Maybe it could have been prevented. Maybe not. Either way, she's gone.

I wish I could sa she'd be back. But no matter how many wishes or prayers I send, she wont be coming home.

Home? It's not really a home without her. It's just a place where I sleep. A place where I study. Eat meals. Shower. And cry.

She told me she liked to sleep on the couch because it made her back hurt less. (She broke it in an accident a few years back.) I hated when she said this. I believed her, but I still felt she just didn't want to sleep next to me anymore.

My sweetheart, my baby, my love....for the last year, she was all of those. She was my roommate. My lover. My everything.

She doesn't see how much I still love her. I try to show her, but she closes her eyes and ignores it all. Not taking calls and texting instead. A person can't hear the pain over a text message.

And I know if she did hear me, it wouldn't change her mind. She's done what she has for a reason. There's nothing I can do to fix it now. Just wish I would have known I needed to fix it before she left.

That's a problem with me I guess. I'm reluctant to feel, then after I let my guard down, I fall in crazy-head-over-heels love that controls every thought and emotion in me. Scares most. Maybe it scared her, too.

I still think about all the little cute things she did. It's almost haunting.

I wish her nothing but love, and happiness, and joy. Just wish it was me who helping her to feel them all.

The most painful part of the entire thing? Hearing the words, "I don't love you anymore" spill from her mouth. Gut wrenching. Breathe taking. Ball busting.

It scares me to think, someday she might move back and I might run into her. I know the love for her I will try to hide and ignore will come out in an instant. And I'll be back in the position I'm in now; sitting at my computer, writing about how I fucked up the best thing to ever happen to me, wishing she would give me one last chance, praying for her to love me again.

But I have to let it die. I have to let her go.

How painful those things will be is yet to be determined. I'm scared shitless, actually. But it's what she wants, so it's what I'll give her.

It was always about her. No matter what she thinks. And that was the way I liked it.

So, if you ever read this, know that I loved you from day one. And it grew grew each time I was with you. Each time I kissed your eyebrow. Every time I held your hand. Each morning when you would kiss me goodbye.

And that I will remember your everything. Good and bad.