I must say that both Boston and I have taken far too much time off of this here little experiment. We both say we're too busy for this. And it makes me want to kick my own ass. Writing is what has always been my release. It was probably hers too. But neither of us write anymore. Wish I knew why.
Some people stay around us to better themselves. To make them feel better about the worthless fucks they really are. The best thing for us to do in a situation like this? Remove every last fucking one and care none what they're gonna think.
I came across the following today, and it really made me see others feel the same as Boston and I once did, maybe still do. (*note: how we once felt about the feelings of others, not each other.) Thanks Kimmy.
what do i really have left
muted self expression ?
love ?
myself ?
after a hard month, year, life time, i seek refuge in the only town i know that can always make me smile. and its ripped away from me, why? because i was on an uncommon street? because people get drunk and lost in iv? because i went out of my way to pick a friend up and offer a ride home? "nice guys finnish last" or maybe never at all. i feel like ive been battered and broken, physically & mentally. my friends were never really my friends. my lovers not my lovers.
and what now im supposto hold on for more? why? so that the few people that still enjoy my company can be comfortable knowing im around. not for me. for them so i dont hurt my family that turned their back on me in the first place. if you were really my friend you would want the best for me, no matter what the was .
im a lost soul. ive been through hell and back. ive lived more chapters than a life time and im 20. and i still try and put other peoples "feelings" before my general well being. so let me know how people that are so outspoken, people that sit on highhorses talking about how they are better, have better hearts, better intensions? how someone can say they have love for you watch you fall so hard without one action not even a wink? its because they dont have courage they dont love enough they dont have passion.
i am a person with courage, courage to win even myself, courage and passion to stand up for the people around me, to take a low blow so they dont have to feel the heat. i am so loving. and when i need a break need a second for YOU to love me, its really just to much to ask. and now im a bad person because im not their to answer your phone calls, seriously?
what if i just cant do it anymore ? what if this hearts loved all it can? what if my body just cant get out of bed anymore? what if i just cant?
we all make mistakes, we all embares ourselvs and fuck up. but theirs a line because if you cant even admit to yourself that you did something wrong...
so yeah im heartbroken, i feel as though i cant express myself. i feel abondoned, i feel broken.
so thanks to the people that see this and really really give a shit .
but thing is idk if i can do this again. idk if i can come back better or stronger. idk if i want to jump of a clif or swolow some pills or sit in a room at my parrents house untill i turn to dust. or if i want to come back and ignore the stupid people and their insults ignore the people that broke my heart. broke my confidence. broke me.
i cant get out of bed. my thoughts are irrational. i cant eat. ive lost weight. im losing hair. im losing faith. the people i need arnt here. the people i need are the people that hurt me. and the people here are the people i didnt know i had.
and thats it .
Who would'a thought that somebody could be as beat up, worn and faded as the guy and gal who started this blog?
